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Biggest Fears

I thought that this would be of a fun little one to do, and also let you get to know me a bit more. I just want to explain briefly that as a schizophrenic, my fears may seem a bit odd; also they are also more intense due to the lack of logic in my thought possesses in fearful situations.. I am going to be completely honest with this, so you can hopefully understand how it effects me… 

  1. Bugs.. think this is quite a ‘normal’ fear, and its one I’ve had for as long as I remember. I cant even look at anything that crawls or creeps without squirming.
  2. Heights.. Again, a common fear, but for me its more than just a fear when I’m high up. I suffer with paranoia type delusions that can vary depending on situations. However a reoccurring delusion I have is of the ‘voices’ pushing me off the height- before I started recovering, the ‘voices’ were also ‘shadows’; dark figures, that I would see following me. The delusions stem from that, so when I’m up high, or in the dark (Will talk of that in a moment), I see them again.
  3. Dark… May seem innocent, but again this stems through my delusions. In the dark, I see ‘shadows’ following me, or threatening me physically; again this all is because of the heightening of emotions when faced with a fear. For this reason I probably will never be able to drive in the dark due to see shadows, and not always being able to distinguish which ones are real and which aren’t.
  4. Silence… Odd- I know, let me explain. I have constant ‘voices’ in my head, these vary from ‘static noise’ to a child screaming. On days when the ‘voices’ are at  their quietest, during a normal conversation I can’t hear them at all. But depending on what the real-life sound level is influences how much I can here the ‘voices’. It is important to understand that these ‘voices’ are always angry. Each person is different, but personally, I have two ‘voices’- and they are constantly ‘arguing’ in my head; so when I’m in silence, it becomes very prominent to you, and does get distinctive on what they say. SO, in silence, it is as if they are standing right next to me, shouting at the top of their voices, VERY angrily. I avoid silence at all times, through music using headphones, or TV on at low levels, or even just the ticking of a clock- anything to help me focus on the noise in the REAL world.

SO I have been as honest as I can possibly be with you, so I hope you can understand how my head works a little more, and how fear is processed for me. I have many other little fears, however they are not effected by the schizophrenia quite as much. Please leave a comment saying what your biggest fear is, and how it effects you..

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One thought on “Biggest Fears

  1. I think you are an incredibly brave person. You wrestle with so much. When I started reading your post, I thought, “Yes. I can relate. I’m horrifically phobic about bugs too!” Five minutes later I realized I can’t relate much at all. But I do respect your strength and the courage it took to write this post. People are afraid of mental illness, and I think posts like yours go a ways toward education and understanding.

    Like

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