Yes it has finally happened- I am back to paid employment. I have been aiming for this for quite a while, and kept hitting a brick wall when it came to getting permission; but now I have got myself a part time job working somewhere I think I am really going to enjoy. This is just another step in getting my life back together to the place I want to be; and I am so happy that this is happening, that I have an excuse to leave the house, be productive, and ha earn some extra money…
The job is part-time 16 hours a week, which is ideal- allowing me to continue volunteering and studying. But the best part is where it is, a cafe bookshop! How much better could that be for a part time job? Plus the benefits- free coffee and discount on books!! That last part is probably more dangerous than anything, having 110+ books that I have not even begun reading yet, but it still really excites me that I could buy even more.
This job means a lot more to me than just the benefits and the pay check though. I have money coming in, enough to live of for now even, but I get no sense of achievement from it- no sense of deservedness (I just learnt a new word!). Not only this, but each day where I wouldn’t leave the house was a reminder of where I had been, that I am not ‘normal’; so by working, limiting my time at home alone with little to do, is just another step towards ‘normality’. I have been told in the past that there is no such thing as ‘normal’, but by this I mean average, nothing outstanding, just to do what the majority of people do- work, have friends, and live independently.
However much I try not to let myself consider it, going back to work is not without its risks. Stress is my main trigger for my Schizophrenia, and ultimately work carries an element of stress. There is a chance that this could be too much and that I will go back down hill- but ha, you know what, I doubt that this is too much. While my brain gets bored when I’m sitting around, how can it be possible that this is too much. But I am going into this job with the support of family, and doctors, so I’m not going to defend the possibility, other than to say I feel it will be unlikely.
The job itself is nothing that I have not done before, its basic café work- food, coffee, and customer friendliness. So glad about this as it does mean that, other than learning any specific techniques and where everything is, I have no major lessons to learn in order to be able to do this job. Though that being said, they have a huge scary coffee machine that I am still very much getting my head around, but I’m glad, as although it’s comforting to not have too much to learn, I like that there is some learning to do.
I guess the main thing is that I am enjoying this new job, despite the early starts to get in for 8am. The sense of achievement is huge so far, and although this will probably die down, for now, this is a challenge that I am so very thankful for.