Uncategorized

My MH Story…

Today is the day after World Mental Health Day, however it is no less important to share and raise awareness for Mental Health than it was yesterday. Mental Health is a daily struggle for many people and doesn’t just go away when its not a highlighted awareness day. Therefore I’m going to share my Mental Health story today, not on World Mental Health day, but another average day..My first memory of hearing the voices I have today was around the time I had just started secondary school at the age of 11. To begin with I didn’t really realise what was going on, I remember a couple of times, hearing the negative comments, and thinking that it was a classmate being mean. I was bullied for a while in school so it was an easy conclusion to make; but my friends and other students would tell me that no one had said anything. After a couple of times that this happened I realised that this was something odd and different, I think this was the first time I started being scared of it.

The big difference between when it started and now is that it wasn’t always constant voices 24/7. To begin with it was just randomly every now and again, mostly in class rooms, and crowded places; a few times they would occur when I was at home doing homework, or planning for a big event, or even if I was prepping to go out to something I was nervous for. If I’m honest I don’t remember  when they first started being constant, it was not long after it all started.

Its no secret that I kept quiet about my psychosis for a long time, but I did try to seek help at one point. I approached a teacher, explained that I thought I was having trouble with the work load and everything; mentioned I was hearing things, but I was stopped before I could elaborate. The teacher just smiled at me, said that I had ‘normal school stress’ and that I’d need to just adjust and ‘get used to it’. That’s when I made the conscious decision that whatever I was experiencing was something I shouldn’t talk about, that I should just keep this to myself; and that’s what I did.  I was so aware of needing to hid it, that I started to convince myself that it wasn’t happening, I became adamant at one point that it was all just a headache- a really terrible headache; I became so sure about it, that I even went and saw a neurologist. The day I admitted to someone else that I was hearing voices was the day the headache stopped, and its never come back.

I always had the two voices, a male and a female; the guy is always negative, putting me down, telling me I’m going to fail, blaming me for things. While the women is scared all the time; telling me that the world is dangerous, that I’m going to die or get hurt, that I’m not capable, that I’m weak etc. This hasn’t ever changed, but about a year ago I did gain a third voice. He’s a child in sound, around toddler age, and all that he does is scream. This one isn’t constant, it only occurs during highly emotional situations; thinking about it not sure why I refer to him as a male, I cant really tell it just feels like it fits.

So on 18th of October 2014 I ended up in hospital with a nasty kidney infection and it was then that I admitted to a psychiatrist that I was hearing these voices; my GP had referred me to a psychiatrist due to noticing I was having issues such as pressured speech and not having ideas straight when trying to communicate.

At my very first appointment I was told that it would probably be Schizophrenia, but it takes a year of observation to officially diagnose. I did confuse things a little as I have a rare presentation; I internalise rather than externalise like most Schizophrenics; I also classify as ‘young on-set’ in my diagnosis which changes the expectations for the future, but I’ve talked about that in the past. I was given a three year recovery plan very early on in the first couple of appointments, and then after exactly a year I received my official diagnosis of young on-set internal presentation schizophrenia. However I do also have bi-polar aspects, in that I do get manic with my mood; but I see myself as lucky to not get the depressive side of it.

Well that’s about it I think, I’m going to be doing a two year update around the two year anniversary of the start of my recovery where I will go into more detail about some of what has happened- the ups and the downs.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “My MH Story…

  1. Well done for sharing this. I really love that you use your blog to raise awareness of mental health issues, like schizophrenia, and I think you’re incredibly brave to share your own story. (hugs) xx

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s