This last few weeks, I have been having a really tough time. Mental health is one of those unpredictable things that can just sneak up on you when you are least expect it, when everything seems to be going well. But, as has happened to me, you can believe that you are getting everything in order, prepared to start studying for your degree again, and then BAMM, anxiety depression and general mental health troubles hit you.
I have been trying to explain for a little while now what I’ve been meaning when saying I feel really alone at the moment. Often I get the response of, but you always have company, or just go see different people then. But feeling alone has no relation to how much you are interacting, it doesn’t matter if you are by yourself all day, or if you are in a huge crowd of your favourite people.
Being lonely is something everyone experiences at some point or another. Being home alone, walking to work, or just driving around in your car. Its a feeling that is always nice to have every now and again, time to just stop and unwind, take time for yourself, not having to worry about anyone else.
But feeling alone is an emotional feeling, its a state of mind not presence. You feel alone when you look at all those around you and realise that things go on without you; feeling as if no one would notice if you were to disappear.
Almost two years ago my parents split up, there has been loads of tension and complicated issues between me and some family members ever since. For some reason the other weekend it got me thinking; my mum has a new partner whom has a child, they often seem to go out and about. My Dad also has a new partner with children, and again they often go out and do ‘family’ activities. This got me thinking, I am the one who no longer has ‘family time’.
By no means am I wishing they weren’t happy; I am really glad that they have both found people they can be happy with, and I would not deny them a single moment of that. But when I’m stuck in not doing anything all day, and I get told they’ve taken the kids to go bowling, I cant help but think, why not invite me? Its as if as an adult child, its not thought you include me in ‘family time’.
See so this is the difference, feeling alone is a state of emotion where you don’t feel like anyone can understand. You feel that you have no purpose in the world, and sometimes that no one really cares.
Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means accusing anyone of anything. I just felt that it needed explaining, I know that when my anxiety flares that feeling alone is a common demon. There has to be other people that experience this feeling? I would love to hear from you, talking about it may help us all to realise we are not alone.